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Keywords:

• I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.

Comment: ❱ icons commissioned from cupnoodles

Description: please don't take!

Keywords:

• I didn't even have pants on

Comment: and you think I had an agenda

Keywords:

• I call him Seabiscuit

Comment: because he's my trusty steed

Keywords:

• I just fist bumped God in my head

Comment: for last night. What a bro.

Keywords:

• I heard drunk is the new sober.

Comment: I heard me say that. To a cop.

Keywords:

• Everyone called me "Barf Vader"

Comment: And I lost your lightsaber.

Keywords:

• I went with plan f.

Comment: get drunk and start a fire in my yard

Keywords:

• A warmed up burrito and jelly beans.

Comment: The breakfast of champions.

Keywords:

• And don't worry about me

Comment: I have my Darth Vader flashlight

Keywords:

• I can tell right now that knowing you

Comment: will either be really fun or ruin my life

Keywords:

• About to find out

Comment: how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.

Keywords:

• I am thankful for thumbs.

Comment: Because without thumbs we would be dolphins. Land dolphins.

Keywords:

• Woke up backwards on a recliner

Keywords:

• I want to poop on a bird

Comment: just to show them what it's like.

Keywords:

• You said you liked how

Comment: I put the cream cheese on.